Monday, August 8

roller coaster feelings

just came back from tuition. Today is a bad day. Wasn't really in a good and right mood for National Day Celebration. Tuition was ok for today. Wasnt really paying much attention to what Mr Lee was saying. Thoughts just kept drifting off to somewhere familiar yet so not familiar.

Was quite glad when tuition was finally over. Went to cold storage. Saw this cadbury centre filled cookies. Wanted to buy. But no appetite to eat it. Thats like so not me lorhs.

My feelings have been taking the roller coaster ride nowadays. Sometimes the worst feeling is not when you cry non-stop. But rather its when you don't know if you should smile or cry. The feeling is horrible and thats exactly how i feel now. I get terribly fed up with life nowadays. I cant stand noises, as in i get irritable easily.

All i could do now was to force out a little smile when i think theres a need too. I was so out of this world and slipped and fell today in the toilet when i was alone at home. Lucky my left foot hit the pipe and brought me to a halt. If not i would have gone crashing into the cement-based sink and well the consequences might be undesirable.

But if i did, maybe i wouldnt have to live in misery now. I would be free from all troubles and worries of a mortal and of cos i will miss out on the fun and happiness. I really shouldnt entertain any thoughts about death. Life is precious. My cousin just passed away. Sigh.

I cant explain my feelings. spent the afternoon writing a brand new and FINAL script for LA film. It centralises on friendship with a little of love. The script is 5 pages long ohwells. the main actress had to cry and if i ever become the main actress it wld be best to film the crying scene the first thing cos i am really in the mood to cry.

The problem is I am numb. I cant cry. I just feel numb. Kinda like unfeeling. I am not happy neither sad. I just kept clinging and looking back on the memories.

This is plain misery. I cant continue living like this. I really cant. Tomorrow's Singapore's birthday. I will try to at least cheer up a little tomorrow so that i could wish Singapore a happy birthday happily. I guess I will try.

Didnt even bother to take out my zen on the bus to listen to music diary on fm 933 radio station. I mean i already had so many things inside of me and it wouldnt help if i listen to other's misery and worse still their happiness and realise how miserable and pathetic i am right?

Stood on the bus throughout the journey home. Didnt even want to sit down when there were empty seats around. I must have looked like an alien from outer space. Whatever.

There were these two guys who were newcomers to the tuition. They sat behind me and one of them kept rocking the chair where my stuff were on. Was kinda fed up but i dun have the energy to scold them. I am getting weak. Midway thru the tuition i started sneezing. It was freezing cold and i didnt bring my sweater with me today. But alas i endured through it.

There was national day celebration in school today. we did mask-making. the mask mii and twin made was well... glitterish? Then erm twin coloured the eyes of the mask with yellow glitters and we pinned onto the noticeboard. A few minutes later the yellow glitters were dripping down the 'face' and twin kept exclaiming that it's crying and that cracked mdm nora up. At least that made me laugh too.

Then there was the concert in the hall. not much comments. when the dancing part came. i was super fed up. there was obviously no space for everyone to spread out. and i kept bumping into ppl and got really irritated. suddenly got the urge to just break down and cry but lucky i didnt. lunch was just a few packets of biscuits. and i am guilty of munching on potato chips just now while working on the script.

this entry made me seem so problematic. I really hope there will be a rainbow after the storm and everything will return to be the same again. But well i dun think its possible. I just got to see the darker side and i am afraid to see the darkest side. doesnt matter if you dont understand what i am talking about.

my feelings are like the roller coaster ride. up and down, up and down. it usually takes one's courage to ride on a roller coaster but i think i need the courage to get my feelings of the roller coaster. And it would take even more courage to overcome the reluctance i have towards leaving my memories behind me and walking on. I just cant do it, or rather i cant bear to do it...

maybe keeping my schedule busy will prevent myself from thinking too much. hm sports, tuitions, shopping, movies and of cos COMMUNITY SERVICE~

Serve the community. Make a difference


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