Thursday, August 25

LA crisis

i am currently suffering from a seriously bad case of depression and one should know better than to provoke me at this time especially after i have warned you. this is no joke so dont laugh.

I cant think now. I cant visualize. I cant organize my thoughts. I cant even focus on something. I just cant or rather I dunno how.

There is currently this Language Arts Crisis going right now for my group. And things are getting rather bad. for all i know the deadline is next week. yes we did film happily yesterday but somehow some of the shopping scenes got deleted as the scenes overlapped with the volleyball scenes. And no one is to blame for that. Really. dont feel remorseful or sad kaes. cos no one is at fault. really.

we have several scenes to rush out before the deadline. not to mention the editing of the video as well as voice over. We apparently have like at least 6 venues and more than 6 scenes to shoot and things seem to be rather terrible.

Its definitely necessary for everyone to sit down and discuss everything peacefully now since fiery disputes wouldnt help a teeny bit. so well thats wad we did. i just worked out this schedule on the filming dates and venues, as well as the props and attire etc. Everything seems so organized till i realised that i left out some problems. like the photos needed. and it didnt help that there are 3 tests next week with 2 of them on the same tuesday and with all the reflections to be done and this stoooopid LA film. wdh. wad can i say.

trust me. i havent touch my biology textbook at all. not literally though. i bring it to and fro school every day, in hope that i will have the time to sit down and flip through it with a peaceful mind and heart but no pages of the textbook was flipped. Not to mention physics textbook. its still sleeping soundly in my locker and the mainstream physics textbook on my shelf, motionlessly.

as for geog. for all i noe, i am going to be in some really deep trouble having to memorise all the worksheets and textbook. and i dont even think i wld have the mood to do any revision, having the crisis in mind. i cant even eat my favourite fish burger at the normal speed during recess and i was again the last to finish my meal. wow champion yea?

after recess, the world is like spinning around me in black and white. everything seems to be so fake and how i wish that it was a dream. no no. a nightmare to be specific. my depression and sadness seemed to be pretty obvious as ppl around me kept asking me to relax. I nearly flared up and was glad i didnt. my mind turned blank and filled up with stuff a second after the other. you know the feeling? like your head gets so heavy then the next moment everything is blank.

Watching film during LA didnt help and i nearly fell asleep. I kept thinkin about all the problems faced etc. I couldnt concentrate.I couldnt even give my brain cells a rest, give them a break. I cant. I stressed and gave them pressure, hoping that they will give me a good solution which wld be beneficial to all. But i couldnt. And all i can conclude is that my brain cells are just useless.

After LA was chinese. Tried talking to PY but i couldnt smile. I didnt have the strength to smile then. I couldnt even look at her. Its like i am being compressed by a gigantic stone. My life is in its power. I cant breathe. Yes i have asthma but its just a slight one. Who knows, according to what i told jm and yy just now, maybe halfway through the filming i might just have an asthma attack and say byebye.

all the pressure are really getting on my nerves. I cant think of what to do next. i noe chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi. but i dun even have the strength to push the boat to the bridge. so wads the use. i noe i should take things one at a time. but you noe wad the problem is. i dont even noe which problem to solve first cos they are all heading towards me at the SAME time!

LA crisis, tests, reflections, assignments. They all contribute to one thing called STRESS. i have never feel this stress before. seriously. never experienced this type of feelings before. i have never been like this depressed. NEVER. Whenever i buy my favourite fish burger in school, i would eat it within like 4 minutes? and usually faster than the others. i was almost always the first to finish eating my meal but these few days?

and my lunch today only consists of 1 banana and a cup of strawberry yogurt. since when in history has Annabel KSM eaten so little for lunch? I would usually gorge myself with rice and chicken meat. Things have changed.

Things have changed so drastically that i even almost forgot to have dinner just now. I was rushing out the maths reflection. Believe me. i have almost never forget to have dinner. i am usually the first one to scoop rice every evening. and the only time that i didnt eat dinner was cos of band concert. rushed to vch then nv eat lorhs. but that was a different story. yes this is not me. and i dont act cute anymore. who has the strength to act cute when there are so much to worry about? all these worries are really getting too much for me to handle. and perhaps one day. when i couldnt manage any longer, i might just break down and cry. just one day. when i couldnt take it anymore...

if only wishing upon a star could take away all my troubles and worries
if only wishing upon a star could salvage the situation
if only wishing upon a star could bring me to where you are
if only wishing upon a star could let no more tears fall
if only wishing upon a star could let you be there for me
if only wishing upon a star could be as easy as blinking my eyes
if only wishing upon a star could let me be optimistic once again
if only wishing upon a star could give me the strength and courage i need to live on

illusions proven. it hurts. thanks for acting like you care. thanks alot. as long as you are happy.


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