Friday, December 15

Sick & Tired

Forever giving in to others, even when I am unhappy.
Even to people who don't even bother about my existence
Why must things be like this
I give whatever I have to give
Yet I tear till no more energy

These days I have been giving and giving
Giving till I am so tired
Yet I still want to give
Cos I thought that as long I continue giving
I will receive some kindness back
Though that's not the main intention of me giving

I give cos I like seeing others happy
Till these days
When all I ever receive back
Are just sack after sack of disappointment and hurt

The disappointment and hurt get so overwhelming
I lost myself to them
I broke down time after time
Crying seems to be the only way to express myself
I feel sad I cry
I feel angry I cry
I feel frustrated I cry
I feel helpless I cry

Crying is the only avenue where I can feel myself being a human
I have to admit I am weak when it comes to things like this
Yes I am weak yet i hate to appear weak
But the more I try to appear strong, the more hurt I get
And the more hurt I get, the more I want to appear stronger

It seems like I have only myself to fend for myself
In this cold, cruel world
Love and care seem so distant
Yet I yearn for them desperately

But I know I have to be strong and stand up tall
I may be weak for now
But I dont have to be weak forever

And there's one thing for sure
In this cold, cruel world
there are still friends and family who care...
My angels... always there for me
And I will be there for them too
Let's all work together to make this world a better place to live in
A place to be filled with warmth and love
With people with bigger-than-life hearts
And wider-than-universe smiles

Random inspirations. And honestly the past four days have been really tough. And today, thought that I would be able to get a good rest at home, yet I am being angered by my brother. He is so self centred. All Iwant is to borrow the modem beside his computer to configure my laptop's connection so that I can 'liveupdate' my Norton Antivirus and he shouted at me for interrupting his game. I was on the line with this Singnet person to help me with the internet configuration and there.

At that point of time, I realised it was too much and I lost myself to a sea of tears yet again. It's so terrible. Last night I realised I lost my Minitoons card. I felt the pain of losing something. And when Li Wen consoled and gave me advice, I was touched by the extent of her understanding and I lost myself to the pool of salt water yet again.

The number of times I have cried these days is too many to be counted. But each time after i tear, I realised that I felt better. I didnt keep the things bottled up inside of me, making me even more miserable as each day goes by.

Sometimes when things get too much for myself to handle, I will choose to run, choose to escape. It's not the right thing to do. The best thing would be to face it. Easier said than done. I have tried countless of times and each time I tried all I got was a crude rejection. It hurts, it really hurts.

Sometimes all I wanna do is to run away.

Run away to a place free of tears and troubles.

Run away to this place called paradise

Guarded by staff called angels

Surrounded by clouds of happiness

And showered by rains of love

This place is jus so magical

And so impossible.


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